Category Archives: Blog

Waking down

Good grief.

Go to sleep trying not to think then it all goes bonkers which seems to result in a sleeping up, you know, it’s a dream but actually it really is a dream. So ‘we’ stay still smelling some breath on those toes, nope the legs are just restless so keep still, but you just can’t keep those legs still. Must keep still, then the breathing happens in the left ear. At this point moving around is whats needed but you can’t. Pointless trying now as shallow breathing through the nose just might beat it?

Waking thinking trying to work 53 years out but most is inside.

Dud looks my stinking fart.


It’s still there though.

Facebook is shite

Over the years Facebook has changed. Now it seems full of folks harping on about their brilliant holidays, brilliant life, brilliant this and brilliant that. But when an opinion is posted by some of us ‘twats’ about facts then many of those brilliant ‘folks’ can get very personal and insulting. It seems they really do not like the facts that actually happen outside of their brilliant bubble.

I still tinker with it but mainly bounced off Twitter, about some of my depressive shite and also my Sarcoidosis page. I have reasons to keep in touch with certain folks and if I had the bollocks to give up my Sarcoid page I would, otherwise outside of messaging its fucking shite…



Quite amusing it was.

Approaching she said I was looking somewhat lonely? I did reply letting her know that I’m content in these situations.

‘Have you got any mates?’ She asked.

‘I have some really good friends thanks, not many but pleased with the few’ I replied.

‘You are by yourself though? With no mates on you’

‘On me? erm’

This lady started to confuse me. She took off her shoulder bag and started to part its fastening clips.

‘No, I asked if you had any mates, on you’ she carried on

By now the bag was open, she showed me two packets of three condoms of the Mates type.

‘Ah ha’ I nervously replied.

‘I wondered if you would like to share some of my friends’ she eagerly asked in a gentle voice.

‘It’s been almost nine years and you look half my age, I cant, sorry’ I was sweating some drops down my cheeks by now.

‘What are you called’

‘Many things but Stuart is the main one’

‘Stuart, I am divorced and do have a teenage son’ she declared.

‘Oh, then you are older than I’m thinking’

‘How old are you thinking’

’28 going on 42′ I cringed.

I thought I heard some deep breathing?

‘Stuart, come on, lets share those mates eh…’

‘If I must…’

Excitedly I woke dribbling into my beard with deep breathing and a rare erection. My pillow was hugging me. Depressingly I tried to go back to sleep.

She never gave me her name or age.

It’s time..

To get on with my site properly…?!

Fuck knows.

Facebook is shit, I want off but I have my Sarcoidosis page, so I guess it will all now be done on here.

Fed Up


James Stewart ‘Its a Wonderful Life’

Though it’s a nice thought to have an angel like Clarence looking over oneself I doubt one would slip in the river before I do.


My beautiful boys

Oh, obviously? I’m in the middle!


Socialism doesn’t work but Kindness does

Guess I will keep this utterly short. Socialist folks, does anyone notice how extreme they can get? Like…

“If you don’t agree with me then your a cunt. If you vote conservative your a twat. What I say is correct, your wrong” etc.

Far many other things but anyway, what they don’t ‘get’ those short views are on the edge if not already part of fascism. I’ve been through this too many times with that lot I can no longer be arsed with them.

I do not hate folks for who and what they vote for – any party though I might well disagree with them.

Whats my point?

Anyone can be kind on any side of any vote – it’s not rocket science and doesn’t need ‘tons’ of research. Imagine if everyone who can (and can’t) helped those in need, I know people from all backgrounds and I don’t care who and what they vote for, they are actually very kind.

I also know many folks that claim to be a ‘socialist’ and help no one but simply talk about it.

As I said, utterly short (not short enough!) though I still spent too much time trying to explain kindness works, socialism doesn’t – they are fascists…

Being kind = your good.

Oh, I vote Labour and also voted for #Brexit as I’ve wanted out since 1984.



That’s it, I’m finally done with Facebook

“This isn’t bounced off Tweeter. For me Facebook is shite. I’m pleased for those who have done well in life and post about it, but it depresses me, likewise I depress you with my constant life problems. This status will be left up for a while (I need to make sure of the photos and videos I do want to keep), before I shut down FB. Again, very happy for you guys who are doing great. If anyone really does want to be a ‘pal’ then do, but not on here. I’m easily found but done on here. Goodbye from me, myself and I.”

Is hot worse than cold?

The past few days have been extremely hot, they say hottest in 20 years in parts of the UK. It’s the hottest I’ve experienced since being diagnosed with sarcoidosis back in 2010. Yes the heat is terrible, what can I do? nothing, but in the cold I can wrap up, turn the heating on full etc. The heat is dreadfully killing me. I have increased the prednisolone by 1mg/day to 5 which is about a 20% increase. I have asked to chat with the doctor.

Truth is, they don’t know what to do, I have no cure and more than likely they will want to increase my Pred by alot more, as my bones slowly disintegrate.

I’ve cancelled the following appointment as I cant face having a lot of teeth ripped out.


Mashed up head.

This time ‘It’ caught me out

Apprehension is the best way to describe the few days leading up to last Fridays shed assembly on my allotment. Thankfully it went well, the delivery was timed well at about 11:15. Where possible I helped Paul and Jacob do the assembly. I was totally finished by about 1:00pm and shed finished by about 1:30pm. Absolutely buzzing though totally knackered.Shed 2


Even then I knew a slump would happen after the buzzing, but these days I’m sort of prepared for ‘It’ and so what next, Friday carried on being good, Saturday ended up being really good, Sunday was full of ideas, plans and mainly the allotment agenda. Monday 11:45 was the dentist appointment, bed…

Monday, 10:30 got out of bed, had my medications then went back to sleep. Missing the dentist I got up at about 3:00pm realising I do not want anymore work doing on my remaining teeth. I have a bit of fun saying the dentures will be like David Bowie’s natural teeth – nice and not straight. Folk’s do not realise this is a front to my anxiety about my teeth. The jaw and the gums also being fucked (some my fault, some the sarcoidosis fault but an awful lot of fault due to the medications).

I do not want dentures, I suffer chronic depression and anxiety and live alone. The sarcoidosis might also reject dentures as the biopsy confirmed sarcoid is present in my skin (gums etc). After over six years of steroids I’m currently on the lowest I have been of Prednisolone (research it) at 4mg/day, my peak was 40mg/day for two months, that really fucked my grey matter.

What am I trying to say?

Fuck knows.

Chin up, pull yourself together and the rest of those shite quotes fuck you.

Fed up.