“Hear” i Am

It was 6th May 2002, driving back to my family home from my employment as Production Cell Manager at an Aerospace company in Burnley. On the moors I had to pull over, playing on CD was the Gorillaz. Ok my heart was racing and breaking bad beads of sweat, I did earlier mention to my mentor boss that I felt something wasn’t right but I didn’t know what, I accepted as he said it is all my imagination.Setting off again I drove home…Some weeks later I managed to return to work, I was living with my X in-laws and had a good arrangement with my boys, I decided I needed to start divorce proceedings. When she had received this notice I received a hand wrote letter explaining that she was cutting down my time with our boys. I went to see my Solicitor and he advised I must go along with what she was saying; maybe the reason was because I had named the 3rd party  and that they had tried to avoid this?September 2002 and using the family mediation group in Bradford we tried to resolve the issue of my contact with our boys. One of the assessors came to visit me, the idea was to see my interaction with my boys (by now I had bought my new home), strangely she asked if my boys would go play upstairs? After a chat lasting about 15 minutes she left?!Shortly after I received a letter stating that my boys were part of the matrimonial home until I left! This letter put all blame on me… By now I had changed jobs (Production Shift Manager) to be closer to home, to get myself started again I needed a home improvements loan, a car loan and also credit card. I received a letter from the Child Support Agency saying I should pay her £587.83 per month. This I could not afford at all, I sent spreadsheets showing all income and all out goings, paying that amount left me with a minus figure of about £17 per week, On top of that I needed to buy food and petrol, this was April 2003.I took my CSA problem to my then local MP and yes he agreed its far too much, My case was taken to the ‘Houses’, Sometime later I received a later from the General Secretary that this was correct and I must pay, My soon to be X wife would not accept anything direct and was none negotiable. I went to his office and he would not see me, walking out of the office I felt I should carry on onto the road. I’m writing this…A couple of weeks later I was called into the office at work and told that it looks like I can’t function and after only 7 months in this position was sacked, May 2003. I called the BBC about this system and to my surprise they got back and wanted full details which I give them. We had chats on what the program was going to be all about. It wasn’t going to mention why I was divorcing etc but they wanted a realistic view on what the system is like towards single Dads. One of these calls came through, ‘Stu, your X wife doesn’t want this to happen? We will though try hard as your position is like many Dads caught up, and many of these Dads plight ends in suicide’. She managed to stop this program; it wasn’t even going to mention her.In the meantime (January 2003) I had been caught up in a classic case of emotional rebound with, you know the transfer of emotions that aren’t real. She was trying to support me but was asking for a commitment ring!!! Eh. This lasted for 16 months (Finished June 2004) until I realised it was rebound-in the meantime she had also met another fellow! A classic case of she can’t live on her own, so many folks of both sexes need to be needed, we all do but aren’t we suppose to become ‘ok’ by ourselves? That I don’t know-Maybe, maybe not??? One thing though I met a Great guy and I do hope getting him back into music helped, I also appreciate all his help, I owe you.My divorce (and after trips to the courts) finally came through, the family mediation report was thrown out, and my grounds for divorce naming the 3rd party was granted.During this period and drinking badly I had taken up employment training as a plumber for a friend. I qualified in June 2005 and enjoyed this. I had also taken up playing in bands again, on bass guitar with a local rock band and singing in an AC/DC covers band. The problem with working and being involved with friends in both bands was that something will give way; me!This middle of the road rock band was a great time for me; it got me back into playing. The singer though was diagnosed in Dec 2005 with Cancer, He is still battling and I do so hope he can pull through-he sadly died Thursday 29th April 2010 aged 49. Missed big time.So many things happening at that time, a stag night in Harrogate on 13th Aug 2005 caused me to meet a really nice woman, she called a few weeks later and we met… Bang I was completely overwhelmed with how nice she appeared, I started writing poems and songs, sending some of them to her. We didn’t meet very often and on 5 occasions she decided not to meet at all but I held on. After she went back to an X I’ve not heard from her since May 2006.In September 2006 I packed in plumbing, my return was to Manufacturing. I’ve been carrying out temping work for a number of agencies with a thought that my dream job might just turn up. On November 5th this year 2008 I lost my position as Team Manager, they could not give a valid reason but the Ops director was also released-some weeks earlier the MD had also been released.So in a nutshell; about 20 jobs in 6 years, in and out of some major drinking binges but it’s improving, my X had started to allow direct payments-If at the start she had then I would be in a more stable position, contact with my boys is up and down, depends on work and her moods, trying hard for that all important job, music I write is second to none though some is a bit strange.It will take a very brave trusting honest woman to want to carry out walks, cooking, cinema, etc just everyday sharing with me. I do get lonely and don’t hide it but I do kind of feel content-although my job search is yet again in another phase. All my life I have allowed other folks to influence me, it’s where my mind has been… That’s another story.2009 and on looks content and promising!…  Nov 09 update-Job search complete and good-Healthcare Support Worker in Hospital, bringing on 2010…